[This was a report that I wrote for a class on Grief, Loss and Bereavement as an MSW student in 2017. As an Existential Therapist I am particularly interested in how death is addressed at all ages, including how parents can address it with children.]
Summary and Impressions of the Book
This is a relatively short, nicely illustrated book. The premise of the book is to describe life as what happens in between the “beginning” and “ending” for all living things, including people. It specifically talks about plants, birds, fish, trees, and animals, and people. It then goes through some examples of the non-humans in the list and talks about their approximate life spans, some of which are very short (plants and insects) and some very long (trees).
It then turns to people, and in more detail goes through the same “analysis” (analysis at a level appropriate for a children’s book). Although it does refer to average life expectancy, it never shies away from talking about exceptions, both in terms of lives that go on longer than expected, and those that are much shorter than expected. It also refers to the fact that the end of a life can be “sad,” but doesn’t spend much time on the feelings that might be associated with experiencing the death of someone close to you (or not close to you for that matter).
This book describes itself as being appropriate for “children of all ages,” and I suspect that is correct, though I believe I would use it for children who are a little bit older, given the relative “matter of factness” about it. I say that with hesitation as I do not work with children, I have never worked with children and I will never work with children. I have no real basis for making an assessment of what particular age range this book, or any book, would be suitable for. If I was in a situation where I was working with a parent with a grieving child I would no doubt want to consult with someone before making suggestions.
The book does use the term “endings” and “no longer living” in place of dying and death, but I don’t find these to be troubling as potential euphemisms (as I would the terms “passing,” etc.). Both “endings” and “no longer living” are quite clear, and perhaps for a child easier to comprehend than the construct of “death” (in one sense “death” may be viewed as a euphemism for “ending”). As discussed below, the book does also use the term “die.”
Therapy Plan
One of the advantages of this book is that with its minimal, but accurate details, it is potentially useful in many different settings. It is suggested that honesty is very important in discussions with children about death, and that you should set the explanation to the child’s level of understanding (DeSpelder & Strickland, 2009, Ch. 10). This is a book that could be used with many different groups, with the teacher, parent, therapist, etc. tailoring its use for the particular child or children, based on their age and level of understanding.
For the purposes of this paper, I’m using a situation in which I’m working with a parent who is considering how to approach the subject of death with their child, perhaps in anticipation of an expected upcoming death (a sick grandparent, for example). For these purposes the child is younger, not an adolescent yet.
I would suggest using the book as a tool to discuss death, and the child’s feelings about death, before the actual death occurs so that the parent is not trying to address the issue in the midst of a crisis situation (DeSpelder & Strickland, 2009, Ch. 10). I would also encourage the parent to read the book themselves (DeSpelder & Strickland, 2009, Ch. 10), perhaps even reading it during a session (it can be read in a matter of minutes), to make sure that there is nothing within it that the parent finds troubling, from a cultural or any other perspective.
Assuming the parent has no cultural or other objections to the book, I would go through it with them to talk about how they might use it with their child. I would also make sure they focus on the images used to make sure they are comfortable with it given their own child’s level of maturity. In one example, in a discussion about living things that become ill or get hurt and may die, the related image is of “remains of a butterfly.” The parent should be aware of that when the child is looking at the book. I’m not suggesting not using the book based on that, but it may be too much for a given child. Fortunately, the images in the book are illustrations and not photographs, which may make this easier to work with.
The book is very direct, and by page 5 is already introducing the concept that “[n]othing that is alive goes on living forever.” The very next page (with the butterfly image) talks about living things getting sick or hurt and dying (this is the first time the word “die” is directly used). It does make clear that most living things that get sick or hurt do get better, but some die. This is also the page that introduces the fact that things can die at any time, “when they are young, or old, or anywhere in between.”
I think it would be important for a parent to spend time on this page, focusing on the child’s feelings, particularly about the fact that death can happen at any age. A risk here might be that the child will begin to anticipate that it can and will happen very soon, to them or people they love. While this is technically true, it’s important that the child have a proper perspective. I would ask the parent in advance how they think their child might respond to that concept.
The book then goes through a series of examples, a tree, rabbits and mice, flowers and vegetables, butterflies, birds, and fish. The point is to examine the universality of death. Through these sections I would encourage the parent to think of, and have the child think of specific examples that they’re familiar with (perhaps a pet fish that died). Research suggests that very young children have already started conceptualizing death, in part because of pets or seeing dead animals (DeSpelder & Strickland, 2009, Ch. 10), so using the book in this way may help them incorporate those concepts into a more coherent whole.
The book then turns to the subject of people. One troubling aspect is that it refers to the average life expectancy of humans as “sixty or seventy years.” It does say that some may live longer, but I would still check these numbers. First, the book was written in 1983, so the statistics may have changed. Second, if those are more universal numbers, it may be appropriate to look at specific demographics and see what variation there may be.
The most important emphasis for me would be to make sure the parent is (1) verifying that the child understands what they are reading in the book, and (2) checking in on how they feel about these things (DeSpelder & Strickland, 2009, Ch. 10). Through that the parent can hopefully have a productive conversation in which the child can start to develop a healthy understanding of death and dying. It is of course important first that the parent has that same healthy understanding, so I believe an effective approach would be to literally go through the book with the parent in the same way that I’d be suggesting they go through it with the child. Asking them to think of examples, making sure they have a clear understanding of what they’re reading, and checking how they feel about the concepts being discussed.
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