An Alternative Perspective on “Boundaries”

The idea of “boundaries” in a person’s life is getting more and more attention recently – and deservedly so. Having said that, I find some of the takes on the concept a bit limiting, they can often feel defensive and at time very binary (do the thing or don’t do the thing, spend time with the person, don’t spend time with the person).  I think a more flexible, more nuanced perspective is warranted.

As someone who spends a good amount of time at the beach I’m finding more of my metaphors are coming from there – hence the one-minute video of incoming waves (taken by me at the Jersey Shore in June 2024).

Imagine yourself standing in the water in the video – not too far from where the video was taken from.  Far enough that the water is between knee and waist deep, but close enough that your feet are touching bottom. Standing in that position – where you want to stay upright and there is constantly water around you, requires constant little adjustments.  The water is constantly moving, at that point in the water there will always be a current coming in and a current going back out, and very likely some cross-currents.  For the most part it might be easy to manage that, but as you can the waves aren’t consistent, you can get used to a particular range of waves and then suddenly a much larger wave will hit you and you might get wiped out.

Additionally, your feet are touching bottom but the bottom in this case is sand.  Sand that is getting pulled out from under your feet as the current goes out (if you stay in one spot too long you’ll find yourself in a small but growing ditch).

There might also be other living things around you – along the Jersey Shore it’s not uncommon to see schools of tiny fish in the currents, the occasional Jellyfish, and on one recent occasion an errant horseshoe crab. You might need to move to avoid some of those.

In this metaphor, standing in the water represents doing something – anything – that matters to you. It can represent social opportunities, it might represent career or academic situations, family settings, etc. Getting out of the water entirely is an option – you might choose to take a complete break from something.  But if the thing matters to you, you also want to learn to navigate the currents, cross-currents, sandy footing, and sea creatures to continue doing it. Some of the currents might represent other people and how they are acting with you, or it might represent uncontrollable circumstances like the weather or traffic jams, whatever it is, these are things that we can try to make adjustments so that we can keep standing in the water.

So try this, rather than thinking about “boundaries,” think about it in terms of making regular adjustments so that you can keep doing what you want to be doing – always with the option of getting out of the water if it becomes too much.